Perfectionism is Hard

That’s perfectionism. And it’s exhausting! I am overcoming perfectionism myself, and I have learned a few things. I used to think that there was the way I learned how to do things, and the way I did them, and then there was the wrong way. There were only two options: my way and the wrong way. That’s a really frustrating, annoying, and stiff way to live. It’s not fun, and it’s really hard. It’s really hard to think that you’re the only one who knows the right way to do everything because then you think you have to do everything, and then you give everything you have to it,  and you quickly get worn out. 

A Different View

I was visiting with a friend recently who said that there are a million ways to do something right. A million ways to do something right? That’s a very different view than perfectionism, and it actually sounds kind of fun. And it sounds exciting. And it sounds like variety. And it sounds like other people could do things too, and I don’t have to do everything, because if my way is not the only way, or the right way to do it, then I can delegate and I can let others make choices and decisions without me having to criticize or worry that they were doing it wrong. 

The World is Not Black and White

I have a story to share. I was talking to a therapist, which I have done a lot of in my life (oh, yeah!), and she said “Maria, you’re thinking in black and white.” And I said “Yes I am. I love black and I love white.” And she says “But that’s not all there is. It’s not all or nothing. The world is not black and white.” And I told her “But I like my world of black and white. I like having this ideal of perfection, and this perfect house, and these perfect children that are doing exactly as I say because I have worked hard to figure out the right way to do things.” I just liked my black and white world. She said “Maria, if you stay in this black and white thinking you will always have depression and you will always have anxiety.” 

That was a tough realization for me and a tough decision for me to consider. I had to choose between my black and white thinking and my perfectionism. If I kept those, I was going to keep my depression and my anxiety, because I was always going to be worried that things weren’t going right or exactly as planned, because this world isn’t made that way. I thought I could have this perfect little world and it was really exciting to me that I loved black and white, and I said, after thinking for a minute, I said, “Well, between black and white is gray, and I hate gray. I hate gray! It’s the worst color there is. It’s gloomy and dark and confusing, and there are so many shades, and you just don’t know what choices to make.” I didn’t like gray and I didn’t want gray. Well, she looks at me, so patiently, and she looks down at my shirt. You guys! I was wearing a gray shirt. Seriously, no joking. I was wearing this gray shirt!

I Love Color!

I went home after that session and found that my closet was full of gray shirts. Gray, to me, symbolized depression and I was feeling depressed so I wore gray. Even though I truly hated it. She said something to me that has changed my life. She said “What if, in between black and white, this perfection that I was going for, what if in between that was color!” Oh, I like color. I love red, and yellow, and vibrant blue, and bright green. I love colors. I love colors! I could do that! If between black and white wasn’t gray, but was actually color, I could embrace that. I could embrace differences, I could embrace options. And I could embrace variety. I didn’t understand before that with the idea of perfection, and the idea of black and white, there wasn’t just only the option of black and white and gray. There was the option of color, and variety and choices. 

I encourage you to consider when you start to criticize yourself or someone else for making a decision or doing something the wrong way, ask yourself “Is it really wrong, or is it just different? Is it one of those million ways to do it right?” This has changed my life, and I think it could change yours. That’s why I’m sharing this message on perfection. Look for the colors in your life. There are a lot of them, and they are so fun.  

I have a little story to help provide an example of this. One day I was going to the chiropractor and he made this comment that kind of struck me. I was having struggles with my back and he was helping me out, and he just made this comment that totally seemed kind of random. He said “Well, none of us are born perfect.” And that really struck me. I thought, “My kids were born perfect.” That’s really how I felt. They were perfect. They were everything I could imagine. They were everything I wanted. They were everything I dreamed of when I was expecting them. When they were born and placed into my arms, I just held them and thought, “They’re perfect.”  

Well, after some reflection I have realized that I think we were both correct in what we were thinking that day in his office. I think my chiropractor was talking about our physical imperfections–our mortal imperfections. There’s a lot wrong with us. And my perspective in that moment, just the thought that came to me, was about my kids and how perfect I thought they were when they were born. I think I was right too. I think they were exactly what they needed to be, and exactly where they needed to be. And that included their problems and challenges and perfect imperfections. 

My kids have struggles, going all the way back to the first moments of their life. Labor and delivery wasn’t smooth for any of them. And none of them actually came in the ideal circumstances, or perfectly healthy. Maybe close, in some cases. I remember one of my sons was born almost two weeks late and his face was all bruised. He was literally purple. But, when I held him in my arms, and looked at him…he was perfect. He was so perfect! I couldn’t have imagined a more beautiful person at that moment. When I held him and looked at him, I knew he was perfect.

So, what do we take away from that? What do we learn from that experience that I had about analyzing perfection and what it means? None of us will be our true ultimate selves in this life. That’s not what mortality is. It’s not about this ideal and this perfection and being exactly what we want and maintaining perfection or looking perfect. It doesn’t last. Sometimes we can get really close and we can get sneak peeks of our true self, and we can behave in a way that makes us proud. We can do things that make us feel accomplished. But then we stumble and fall sometimes, and we have flaws and failures. 

All of this is what forms our perfect life. The kind of perfection that comes from learning through struggles and failures and challenges. Next time you’re thinking about how you’re not measuring up, or you’re not good enough, I want you to think about how your mother sees you (or your father). Even in their imperfection, I’m sure they love you. And your Heavenly Parents, too. They love you in your imperfection, and they know that you are on this imperfect path trying your best. And in their eyes, you measure up. And in their eyes, you’re perfect just the way you are.

I want you to know that I believe in you and I believe all of your imperfections are part of our Heavenly Father’s perfect plan for your life. And I hope that this message gets to you, and sinks in, so that you can feel it in your heart. The witness that I have of perfection and imperfection, or  perfect imperfection! Because it’s a part of our lives and it’s okay. And you’re good enough.