Perfectionism is Hard

That’s perfectionism. And it’s exhausting! I am overcoming perfectionism myself, and I have learned a few things. I used to think that there was the way I learned how to do things, and the way I did them, and then there was the wrong way. There were only two options: my way and the wrong way. That’s a really frustrating, annoying, and stiff way to live. It’s not fun, and it’s really hard. It’s really hard to think that you’re the only one who knows the right way to do everything because then you think you have to do everything, and then you give everything you have to it,  and you quickly get worn out. 

A Different View

I was visiting with a friend recently who said that there are a million ways to do something right. A million ways to do something right? That’s a very different view than perfectionism, and it actually sounds kind of fun. And it sounds exciting. And it sounds like variety. And it sounds like other people could do things too, and I don’t have to do everything, because if my way is not the only way, or the right way to do it, then I can delegate and I can let others make choices and decisions without me having to criticize or worry that they were doing it wrong. 

The World is Not Black and White

I have a story to share. I was talking to a therapist, which I have done a lot of in my life (oh, yeah!), and she said “Maria, you’re thinking in black and white.” And I said “Yes I am. I love black and I love white.” And she says “But that’s not all there is. It’s not all or nothing. The world is not black and white.” And I told her “But I like my world of black and white. I like having this ideal of perfection, and this perfect house, and these perfect children that are doing exactly as I say because I have worked hard to figure out the right way to do things.” I just liked my black and white world. She said “Maria, if you stay in this black and white thinking you will always have depression and you will always have anxiety.” 

That was a tough realization for me and a tough decision for me to consider. I had to choose between my black and white thinking and my perfectionism. If I kept those, I was going to keep my depression and my anxiety, because I was always going to be worried that things weren’t going right or exactly as planned, because this world isn’t made that way. I thought I could have this perfect little world and it was really exciting to me that I loved black and white, and I said, after thinking for a minute, I said, “Well, between black and white is gray, and I hate gray. I hate gray! It’s the worst color there is. It’s gloomy and dark and confusing, and there are so many shades, and you just don’t know what choices to make.” I didn’t like gray and I didn’t want gray. Well, she looks at me, so patiently, and she looks down at my shirt. You guys! I was wearing a gray shirt. Seriously, no joking. I was wearing this gray shirt!

I Love Color!

I went home after that session and found that my closet was full of gray shirts. Gray, to me, symbolized depression and I was feeling depressed so I wore gray. Even though I truly hated it. She said something to me that has changed my life. She said “What if, in between black and white, this perfection that I was going for, what if in between that was color!” Oh, I like color. I love red, and yellow, and vibrant blue, and bright green. I love colors. I love colors! I could do that! If between black and white wasn’t gray, but was actually color, I could embrace that. I could embrace differences, I could embrace options. And I could embrace variety. I didn’t understand before that with the idea of perfection, and the idea of black and white, there wasn’t just only the option of black and white and gray. There was the option of color, and variety and choices. 

I encourage you to consider when you start to criticize yourself or someone else for making a decision or doing something the wrong way, ask yourself “Is it really wrong, or is it just different? Is it one of those million ways to do it right?” This has changed my life, and I think it could change yours. That’s why I’m sharing this message on perfection. Look for the colors in your life. There are a lot of them, and they are so fun.