I love, love, love, that idea! That you can question, you can use your logic, you can criticize (yes you can criticize), and you can use your critical thinking to really ponder and make informed decisions by using your critical thinking and attacking those ideas that aren’t serving you or the world. And you don’t have to attack people to do that. 

What would the world be like if more people did that? What would the world be like if when we see someone doing something we don’t agree with, or that we feel is harmful or that we just don’t like, or makes us feel uncomfortable. What if instead of talking about those people in a negative way, what if we talk about the ideas and belief systems and we go that route instead. We use our critical thinking and our logic and we puzzle it out in a way that’s productive. 

I’ll give you an example. When I was a kid, my parents were very open minded and very, very loving. However, they used their logic and their critical thinking skills, but they didn’t believe in gossip. So, when they saw a family member or a friend doing something that they disagreed with, that they would take the time to teach us as kids what they disagreed with, what they saw as the possible outcomes, negative and positive, and they helped us think through why they agreed or disagreed with this friend or family member. But they did not call names to that family member and they did not disown them and they did not show less love, they just taught us how to think and how to make decisions and how to learn from other people’s actions. And that has been a huge benefit for me in my life to be able to criticize ideas and decide on my own what I agree with and what I disagree with. But still be able to love others, because they aren’t their choices. They are themselves, and they’re worthy of love no matter what they choose.  

And I encourage you to try it in your life. It is so freeing my ability and your ability to love others will increase, if you decide to criticize ideas, ideologies, belief systems and really puzzle out what you believe and what you don’t believe and share that with your family. But leaving out the individuals and not having to drag them through the mud or drag them through what you disagree with. It doesn’t have to bring them down in their value just because they disagree or just because they do things you don’t like. It is freeing and we are much more capable of loving our neighbor when we can separate their ideas, their ideologies, their behaviors and their differences from them. Because all people are awesome and all people have light and goodness in them. And we can appreciate that, even when we disagree. I encourage you to try that today. Try to find something that you agree with or disagree with and talk to your kids about it without gossiping. It can happen and it can work for you as it has worked for me.

As they got older it turned into throw up. And, I had to learn real quick how to deal with it. As a parent, you have to learn how to deal with other people’s throw up. It’s a part of parenting that people don’t generally like to talk about, but it’s definitely a part of being a parent. 

Have you ever had your child verbally throw up on you? Hmm…I bet that’s happened to you even more often. I’ll bet it has. Have you ever had a spouse verbally throw up on you? Have you ever had any other person in your life verbally throw up all their garbage on you? 

So, in our family, we have a system when someone gets sick and throws up. First I freak out a little bit, and then I breathe so I don’t throw up too, because it kind of gets my gag reflex going. Then I go get a bowl. I bring it to them and I put my arm around them, and the bowl is there. It’s ready. If it happens again we’re ready. And then I just sit with them for a while and kind of hold the bowl and let it happen. And when it happens I take the bowl and I go get rid of what’s in the bowl and then I bring the bowl back clean. 

What is the process when my kids verbally throw up on me? It’s very similar. At least it starts out similar. I freak out a little bit. Like, “What?!?! Why are you throwing up on me verbally?” And then I try to not verbally throw up on them. It kind of gets the gag reflex going again, right? When someone starts verbally throwing up on you, you kind of get triggered too. And so I try not to do that. And then that’s when the similarity would end. I didn’t ever go get a bowl for them, and I never sat with them. I just kind of like just let them keep throwing up on me and just, just stood there like a giant throw-up bowl. Because that’s what I thought parenting was. I thought I was being a good parent by just letting them take it all out on me. And I’m like “It’s fine. I’ll take it. I know you’re sick. I know you’re not feeling good, so I’ll just take all your throw up and I’ll just let it be on me.” 

Well, that didn’t last long, as you can imagine. So we had to come up with a better process. I didn’t want to be the throw-up bowl. I didn’t want it all over me and to have it weighing me down. It totally brought me down. When you let people throw up on you and it just stays there, it’s not good. It’s bad! And it weighs you down! And they don’t even feel better because they feel bad that they got it all over you! And it didn’t really get thrown away, it just got thrown up. 

So the process that we’ve learned in our family is when someone feels sick emotionally, they throw up verbally. That happens, right? It happens. So we’ve learned how to redirect their verbal vomit. We learned a process that works for us and I’m going to teach it to you. 

When someone starts getting upset and they start getting that gag reflex going and they start spewing their words at other people, we freak out a little bit because we’re human, and we haven’t gotten over that trigger. We try to hold back our own gag reflex, so we don’t start verbally throwing up on them in return. And then…we go get a bowl. This bowl is the Atonement. This bowl is Jesus Christ. He already took all of our problems, all of our verbal vomit, and He has taken care of it. He has already cleaned up the mess for us. We just need to give it to him. 

We can try to be the bowl as the parent, or in any relationship. We can try to be the bowl, and we can keep it, and He will let us because we get to choose. Or we can go get the bowl and we can redirect the throw up to Him, because He is  like the ultimate janitor. And I say that in the most humble and respectful attitude! Because He has gone below all things so I can be clean, and so you can be clean, and so those we love and those we’re in relationships with can be clean. 

That’s our process. That’s what we do as a family when someone’s not feeling good and they need to express the hurt and the anger and the frustration and the disappointment and everything that’s been weighing on them, and piling on them and just making them sick to their stomach. And they need to get it out. They need to get it out. So we freak out, we try not to throw up on them, and then we go get the bowl. 

I imagine in my mind that the kids are just getting it out, and then I take the bowl and I hold it for them, and I let them express, and I let them share, and I let them get it out. And I encourage it because I know they’ll feel better once they’re done releasing. I know they will. And then I take the bowl and I give it to the Savior. My job is to sit with them. My job is not to be the bowl. I’m not strong enough and it’s not my job. 

When your kids throw up, you don’t get mad at them. You don’t get angry. You don’t blame them for being sick, and you definitely try to not throw up yourself. 

That’s how we process in our family. This has been such a gross thing to share and I’m kind of super embarrassed, but I think it’s important. I think sometimes we don’t talk about important things and we don’t talk about processes that we’ve learned. But this has been a huge process for us and I think maybe if you visualize it the way that I’ve started seeing it, that you’ll be able to have more compassion and you’ll be able to sit with people when they’re throwing up. We have a lot more patience for someone who’s physically sick than we do for people who are emotionally sick. There are a lot of emotionally sick people. I think almost everybody gets emotionally sick way more often than they get physically sick. And we need to know how to help them. And this is one way to do it. 

You’re a helper. You’re loving. You care for people. And if you use this process in your daily life and you help people in this way, your life’s going to get better. It will.

So there’s my throw up story. It’s so gross. So gross. But very beneficial. It needed to be said and it needed to be learned. I learned it and I’m sharing it with you, so that you don’t have to learn it the hard way like I did.

Do you want to learn a trick? I have one. I probably have lots, but today I’m going to just share one. So, I have been married for over 20 years. That’s a long time! To some people that’s a long time. To others, they think, “You know, it’s not that long.” But I think that’s a good chunk of time. Twenty years of living with another person. Cohabitating. Me living in their space; and them in mine. 

I have a tip. Do you want to know it? Okay, I have a story. I love stories. I love sharing stories. This one’s from the Bi0ble. There was a woman. She was a sinner. Not unlike you and me. She was a sinner. She did stuff wrong. She was going to be punished for it. The way they were going to punish her was they were going to throw rocks at her, which is super rude, right? That’s so mean. I’m glad I didn’t live back then in those times. I would not have been able to handle that. Anyway, she’s a sinner so they’re going to throw rocks at her to punish her.  And the Savior came up and He said “Okay, yeah, go for it. Any of you who are not sinners, you throw your rocks.” Well that caused the people to second guess their decision. They’re like “Oh, hmm.” We’re all sinners. We all do stuff wrong, we all make mistakes. 

Now how can that apply to marriage? If you do stuff wrong, and you don’t want to be criticized for it, guess what, don’t criticize your spouse. Don’t do it. It hurts their feelings and it really diminishes your relationship. Don’t criticize them. I’ve heard people say this phrase about how criticism can be a good thing. I don’t even know what it is now because it’s not a good phrase. “Constructive criticism?” I’ve never come across any criticism that I thought was constructive. I just haven’t. I’ve come across a lot of criticism that was defeating, and tore people down, and diminished their confidence, and made them feel unloved and unimportant, and like they’re not good enough. I’ve heard lots of criticism that turned out that way. 

You love your spouse. You do. You love them, and they love you. There’s a lot of love in your hearts for each other. And that love will grow when we bite our tongue, and take a step back and we choose to not criticize. Certainly there are lots and lots and lots of things that they could criticize you for, because you’re not perfect either. You’re a sinner. We’re all sinners and we’re all messing up all over the place. Criticism is not going to help anything. 

You cast the first stone once you’re perfect. And you know what? The Savior’s perfect. He’s not a sinner. You know what he did? He didn’t cast a stone. Even he didn’t cast a stone. He gave her encouragement and hope. 

So what can you do? Give encouragement. Give hope. When someone you love does something that you love, tell them. Yes! When your spouse does something that helps you to be happy or that makes you feel proud of them, tell them.

I have a challenge for you.  Find three things today that you can say to encourage your spouse. Find three words of encouragement. Three sentences are even better. What are three things they’re doing right? They’re doing a lot of things right, and they’re trying their best. They’re working their hardest. This world is not an easy place to live. And being in someone’s space all the time is not easy. It’s not easy for you and it’s not easy for them either. But they’re doing a lot of things right, and who’s the best person to tell them that they’re doing something right? It’s you, their spouse. You love them, they love you, and your love will grow, and your marriage will improve when you tell them the things that they are doing that are awesome. 

I’m sure there’s a lot of them. Just pick three today and tell them, and you’ll see your marriage improve. I promise you that. Your marriage will improve and your love will grow as you let go of criticism and embrace encouragement, and use words to do that. You’re awesome! Marriage is awesome. It’s super fun. Walking through this world alone would not be fun. Doing it with a spouse is a huge, huge, blessing that some people don’t have. We can appreciate the blessing and the gifts that we have in our marriage and we can do that by showing love and giving encouragement. 

Do you ever have a conversation and it ends in an argument or a fight? Or, one or both of you walk away offended with your feelings hurt, not leaving with the solutions they or you had hoped for? That happens a lot, doesn’t it? Have you ever had a conversation where you shared a problem and the person had no criticism, no ideas on how to help solve the problem, and no judgement at all? Those ones are few and far between aren’t they? But they can be such a refreshing contrast to what we usually experience. 

Everybody has advice to give. Almost everyone has advice to give and ways to critique what you should do or shouldn’t do. Or, what you could now do differently. I think that hardly ever happens, that the person you’re talking to doesn’t have ideas on how to help. Whether that’s “help” or help. Whether it’s unsolicited advice or they thought it was solicited advice. Conversations happen all the time to everyone. Everyone has conversations and often our conversations have to do with our problems. Those are called problem conversations. 

There are two types of problem conversations. The first type of problem conversation is validation conversation. A validation conversation is usually when the other person just wants to be heard. They want their feelings recognized, noted and validated. They want to talk to someone about it. By vocalizing it, they are able to work through it in their own mind and find their own solutions. Since they might feel strange talking to themselves out loud, they are looking for someone else that can provide a listening ear. Someone who can empathize, sympathize, and not criticize. That’s a validation conversation. The way you can be a validating listener is by trying to sympathize and hear where they are coming from in their story, and trying to understand their point of view on what happened, or what’s about to happen. That’s a validation conversation.

The second type of problem conversation is the brainstorming conversation. Brainstorming conversations happen when a person is looking for options, ideas, possible solutions. They are trying to decide what to do with their problem. Brainstorming conversations can be so helpful and so needed and so amazing. The way to be a brainstorming conversationalist is to share your ideas, share your input, share your knowledge. Then give encouragement when the person decides which path that they want to take, or which idea they want to roll with and try out.  That’s the way to be good at brainstorming conversations. 

Like I mentioned before, there are some pitfalls with participating in problem conversations. Problem conversations can end with fighting, arguing, being offended, having our feelings hurt, or feeling even worse than we did before. This just adds another problem to the already problematic situation. We don’t want that type of conversation. I think the key to our problem conversations is recognizing which type of conversation is needed now. 

In different circumstances, which type of problem solving conversation needs to happen? Does it need to be a validation conversation or does it need to be a brainstorming conversation? And that depends on the person with the problem. What I’m saying is that it’s not always our choice whether it needs to be validating or brainstorming, and that there is the key. If a person is upset, that’s a good indication that they need a validation conversation. If the person is a little worried and confused, that’s a good indicator that they’re probably ready for a brainstorming conversation. 

So, here’s the thing, most of the time, a large majority of the time even, people just need a validating conversation. People have the solutions to their problems within themselves. They just need to be validated, heard, and understood. They need a little bit of sympathy and empathy, and someone to love them through their problem. They usually can do the brainstorming on their own once they’ve been validated. 

Now, the brainstorming conversations are super fun! I think a lot of people love to brainstorm and love to share ideas and options, and explore different ways to go around a problem or work through a problem. But, that conversation will only go well if the person with the problem is ready for that type of conversation. 

I have a little story to describe what I’m trying to teach here. One day my son was in a really bad mood. He stormed upstairs, with lots of stomping and loud movements, and I could tell he had a lot of emotion running through him. I thought, “Okay, okay I can do this.” So, he comes up to me and he just starts expressing his feelings. There were lots of emotions and lots of feelings. Frustration, anger, irritation, annoyance. That’s very typical for a teenager to feel all those emotions and to feel them in a very large way. That’s part of being a teenager, I think, and part of growing into adulthood. He was super frustrated with some circumstances in his life. 

The interesting thing is that I had noticed for probably a few weeks that these issues were coming. He was starting to get a little irritated and a little annoyed, and I had lots of ideas of ways that he could solve this problem. So many good ideas. I knew how to fix things, mostly because I’ve lived through this before. Whether he believes it or not, I was once a teenager myself. So, I had lots of good ideas. I could have done a brainstorming conversation and I would have blown his mind with my good ideas. I just knew that I had lots of good ideas and lots of ways to solve his problems. It’s so much easier to solve other people’s problems. It just is. But, he was upset, and that was an indicator to me that he wasn’t coming to me for a brainstorming conversation. He was coming to me for a validation conversation. And you know what? After validating, validating, validating, hearing, listening, loving, sending good energy to him, and just really sympathizing with the way he was feeling, by the end of the conversation he felt better. He felt loved and he knew that he could come to me. That’s a validation conversation. 

The more we can implement validation conversations into our lives and into our parenting and into our relationships in all areas, and when people know that you’re willing to have a validation conversation, they’re more willing to come to you when they’re ready for a brainstorm conversation. It’s about timing, and it’s about love. Everyone is on their own timeline. They’re learning at their own pace. And the reason you have answers to other people’s problems is because you had those problems before and you worked it out. They’ll work it out. They’ll find the solutions to their problems. When they’re ready they’ll figure it out. 

So, validation conversations. That’s what the world needs more of–validation. People have a lot of problems and they have a lot of emotions and they have their own perspective. They just want to be heard and validated and loved. WE CAN DO THAT! We can do that. When we know the difference between the two problem conversations, we can watch for the indicators. When someone comes to us to talk to us, to have a conversation with us, we can watch for the signs. Are they upset? Do they have a lot of emotion? Then they’re looking for a validation conversation. Or are they pondering, puzzling, trying to think of things? Then they’re ready for a brainstorm conversation. 

I challenge you today to find an opportunity to do both conversations. Try to do a validation conversation. Listen to someone. Ask what their problems are and just listen, validate, sympathize, and empathize. Don’t give them ideas, don’t give them recommendations. Because if they’re upset it’s going to feel like criticism and they’re going to get offended. We don’t want that, okay? And the way you can try a brainstorming conversation is to think of a problem that you’re having and ask someone for some information. People love brainstorming conversations, especially when it’s not their problem, because they have lots of good ideas and they’re not emotionally involved, so you can hear a lot of good ideas and get lots of info. 

You’re going to find that for most conversations you have with other people, you’re going to be the validator and they’re going to be the one you go to for brainstorming. Once you get really, really good at that you can start teaching other people how to validate you, and you can start teaching other people to allow you to brainstorm with them. But, the place to start is to be a validator for others, and to ask for brainstorming for yourself. 

So, again, I challenge you to have one validation conversation today and one brainstorming conversation. I think you’re going to be such an amazing validator and you’re going to make this world a better place by using the information that you have and the sympathy and empathy that you have, and the love that you have for people to make this world a better place.