Do you ever have a conversation and it ends in an argument or a fight? Or, one or both of you walk away offended with your feelings hurt, not leaving with the solutions they or you had hoped for? That happens a lot, doesn’t it? Have you ever had a conversation where you shared a problem and the person had no criticism, no ideas on how to help solve the problem, and no judgement at all? Those ones are few and far between aren’t they? But they can be such a refreshing contrast to what we usually experience. 

Everybody has advice to give. Almost everyone has advice to give and ways to critique what you should do or shouldn’t do. Or, what you could now do differently. I think that hardly ever happens, that the person you’re talking to doesn’t have ideas on how to help. Whether that’s “help” or help. Whether it’s unsolicited advice or they thought it was solicited advice. Conversations happen all the time to everyone. Everyone has conversations and often our conversations have to do with our problems. Those are called problem conversations. 

There are two types of problem conversations. The first type of problem conversation is validation conversation. A validation conversation is usually when the other person just wants to be heard. They want their feelings recognized, noted and validated. They want to talk to someone about it. By vocalizing it, they are able to work through it in their own mind and find their own solutions. Since they might feel strange talking to themselves out loud, they are looking for someone else that can provide a listening ear. Someone who can empathize, sympathize, and not criticize. That’s a validation conversation. The way you can be a validating listener is by trying to sympathize and hear where they are coming from in their story, and trying to understand their point of view on what happened, or what’s about to happen. That’s a validation conversation.

The second type of problem conversation is the brainstorming conversation. Brainstorming conversations happen when a person is looking for options, ideas, possible solutions. They are trying to decide what to do with their problem. Brainstorming conversations can be so helpful and so needed and so amazing. The way to be a brainstorming conversationalist is to share your ideas, share your input, share your knowledge. Then give encouragement when the person decides which path that they want to take, or which idea they want to roll with and try out.  That’s the way to be good at brainstorming conversations. 

Like I mentioned before, there are some pitfalls with participating in problem conversations. Problem conversations can end with fighting, arguing, being offended, having our feelings hurt, or feeling even worse than we did before. This just adds another problem to the already problematic situation. We don’t want that type of conversation. I think the key to our problem conversations is recognizing which type of conversation is needed now. 

In different circumstances, which type of problem solving conversation needs to happen? Does it need to be a validation conversation or does it need to be a brainstorming conversation? And that depends on the person with the problem. What I’m saying is that it’s not always our choice whether it needs to be validating or brainstorming, and that there is the key. If a person is upset, that’s a good indication that they need a validation conversation. If the person is a little worried and confused, that’s a good indicator that they’re probably ready for a brainstorming conversation. 

So, here’s the thing, most of the time, a large majority of the time even, people just need a validating conversation. People have the solutions to their problems within themselves. They just need to be validated, heard, and understood. They need a little bit of sympathy and empathy, and someone to love them through their problem. They usually can do the brainstorming on their own once they’ve been validated. 

Now, the brainstorming conversations are super fun! I think a lot of people love to brainstorm and love to share ideas and options, and explore different ways to go around a problem or work through a problem. But, that conversation will only go well if the person with the problem is ready for that type of conversation. 

I have a little story to describe what I’m trying to teach here. One day my son was in a really bad mood. He stormed upstairs, with lots of stomping and loud movements, and I could tell he had a lot of emotion running through him. I thought, “Okay, okay I can do this.” So, he comes up to me and he just starts expressing his feelings. There were lots of emotions and lots of feelings. Frustration, anger, irritation, annoyance. That’s very typical for a teenager to feel all those emotions and to feel them in a very large way. That’s part of being a teenager, I think, and part of growing into adulthood. He was super frustrated with some circumstances in his life. 

The interesting thing is that I had noticed for probably a few weeks that these issues were coming. He was starting to get a little irritated and a little annoyed, and I had lots of ideas of ways that he could solve this problem. So many good ideas. I knew how to fix things, mostly because I’ve lived through this before. Whether he believes it or not, I was once a teenager myself. So, I had lots of good ideas. I could have done a brainstorming conversation and I would have blown his mind with my good ideas. I just knew that I had lots of good ideas and lots of ways to solve his problems. It’s so much easier to solve other people’s problems. It just is. But, he was upset, and that was an indicator to me that he wasn’t coming to me for a brainstorming conversation. He was coming to me for a validation conversation. And you know what? After validating, validating, validating, hearing, listening, loving, sending good energy to him, and just really sympathizing with the way he was feeling, by the end of the conversation he felt better. He felt loved and he knew that he could come to me. That’s a validation conversation. 

The more we can implement validation conversations into our lives and into our parenting and into our relationships in all areas, and when people know that you’re willing to have a validation conversation, they’re more willing to come to you when they’re ready for a brainstorm conversation. It’s about timing, and it’s about love. Everyone is on their own timeline. They’re learning at their own pace. And the reason you have answers to other people’s problems is because you had those problems before and you worked it out. They’ll work it out. They’ll find the solutions to their problems. When they’re ready they’ll figure it out. 

So, validation conversations. That’s what the world needs more of–validation. People have a lot of problems and they have a lot of emotions and they have their own perspective. They just want to be heard and validated and loved. WE CAN DO THAT! We can do that. When we know the difference between the two problem conversations, we can watch for the indicators. When someone comes to us to talk to us, to have a conversation with us, we can watch for the signs. Are they upset? Do they have a lot of emotion? Then they’re looking for a validation conversation. Or are they pondering, puzzling, trying to think of things? Then they’re ready for a brainstorm conversation. 

I challenge you today to find an opportunity to do both conversations. Try to do a validation conversation. Listen to someone. Ask what their problems are and just listen, validate, sympathize, and empathize. Don’t give them ideas, don’t give them recommendations. Because if they’re upset it’s going to feel like criticism and they’re going to get offended. We don’t want that, okay? And the way you can try a brainstorming conversation is to think of a problem that you’re having and ask someone for some information. People love brainstorming conversations, especially when it’s not their problem, because they have lots of good ideas and they’re not emotionally involved, so you can hear a lot of good ideas and get lots of info. 

You’re going to find that for most conversations you have with other people, you’re going to be the validator and they’re going to be the one you go to for brainstorming. Once you get really, really good at that you can start teaching other people how to validate you, and you can start teaching other people to allow you to brainstorm with them. But, the place to start is to be a validator for others, and to ask for brainstorming for yourself. 

So, again, I challenge you to have one validation conversation today and one brainstorming conversation. I think you’re going to be such an amazing validator and you’re going to make this world a better place by using the information that you have and the sympathy and empathy that you have, and the love that you have for people to make this world a better place.