The Ideal Situation

We’re going to jump right in. There’s an argument, there’s fighting, there’s one person disagreeing with another or someone feels hurt by the other. Then, immediately following that, there is an apology. Let’s apologize, get things right, stop being mad at each other, stop ignoring each other, and stop fighting. This is every mother’s dream, right? But maybe not her reality. 

The Forgiveness Checklist

Let’s stop the fighting. Here’s how. First, say “I am sorry for…” and then you add what you’re sorry for. Second, “It was wrong because…” followed by why it was wrong. Third, “In the future I will…” and then state what you’re going to do better in the future, or what you want to try to work on. Fourth, “Will you please forgive me?” That’s pretty thorough and super effective. I like to call this the forgiveness checklist. We all have something we can find to apologize for in every conflict and every fight. There’s something that you can find that you did wrong and you’re sorry for and you can apologize.

Don’t Leave Things Unresolved

Here’s an example: two brothers came running into the house, one of them bumps into the other, the other one falls, he’s crying and yelling at his brother for pushing him, the brother says “I didn’t push you,” the other one says “Yes you did, and I fell.” Okay mom, what do you do? Do you get him in trouble? What’s that going to achieve? There are still going to be hurt feelings, the kids are going to still feel offended, and they’re still going to feel wounded and accused. One’s going to feel falsely accused for something he didn’t intentionally do. The other one is going to feel hurt and wounded like his brother did something rude on purpose. And then they’re not going to get along. 

So if they get in trouble right away there’s still unresolved conflict between them, then it escalates and then they start doing things on purpose to bother or wound each other, and then pretty soon you have fighting kids on your hands for the rest of the day, because this conflict was unresolved. There was no apology, and no forgiveness.

We Practice Because We’re Not Perfect

One thing that we are taught is that an apology doesn’t mean anything if it’s not sincere. I disagree with that. We don’t often feel like apologizing, and our apology often isn’t that sincere because we’re still upset. But does that suggest that apologizing isn’t worth doing if you can’t mean it 100 percent? No, we can still apologize, because it’s good to practice even if we don’t fully mean it. We’re all just practicing as we navigate our way through life. None of us are 100 percent perfect at pretty much anything. Let’s just be honest. 

So, we’re practicing, okay? We don’t have to mean it 100 percent, but we do need to practice, especially when our kids are small, we can teach them how to apologize and forgive so that when they’re adults they can mean it better, mean it easier, and know how to properly do it. Now, going back to the example, consider the one brother who bumped into his brother. What could he be sorry for? He didn’t push him on purpose. He doesn’t have to say “I’m sorry I pushed you on purpose to be mean.” But, using the forgiveness checklist, he can say “I am sorry you fell. It was wrong because I didn’t acknowledge my role in making you fall down. In the future I’ll be more careful when I’m running beside you. Will you please forgive me?” 

The brother who got knocked over can also apologize for accusing his brother falsely, for doing something mean on purpose. He might say “I’m sorry for telling mom that you did it on purpose. It was wrong because I didn’t know your intentions (He may not use that word but, whatever. It’s practice right? And you can feed them the lines if they really need it.). In the future I will talk to you first and see why you pushed me over. Will you please forgive me?”

Finish Up With a Smile

And here’s a bonus step, depending on how old the kids are or how mature the adults are. After you go through the forgiveness checklist, which again is “I’m sorry for… It was wrong because… In the future I will… Will you please forgive me?” (Yes, I’ve memorized it because we use the forgiveness checklist often), here’s the bonus. You look each other in the eye and you each smile for five seconds. Usually the third party (likely the parent) is counting to five, because there’s a lot of eye rolling, and a lot of looking away, and a lot of weird smiles, or mean smiles and so when counting sometimes five seconds can last a really long time. 

Sometimes I will stop or restart my counting because they aren’t looking each other in the eyes and giving a genuine smile. Unless things turn to silliness and leads to them making each other laugh, then we know it’s all good, they’ve forgiven each other, they’ve put it behind them, and they’re gonna have a good rest of the day without continuing this conflict that started with one silly little bump.

Now, I put this in terms of children because we’re all children, really. Honestly, how many times do you get in an argument with someone and they really did not intentionally do anything wrong? Or even if they did, we don’t take into account the hard day they had or whatever else is going on for them. We can apologize, we can forgive and we can move on. 

If We Don’t Forgive, We Are Torn Apart

Let me tell you why this is so important to me. There’s a family story about my great-great-whatever-grandmother (not going to name names because I don’t want to throw anybody under the bus) got in an argument with her sister. She was nine and her sister was seven. Well, they didn’t talk to each other for the rest of their lives. Whoa! Did you catch that? They were kids, they argued, they didn’t forgive each other, and they lost their relationship for the rest of their lives. Don’t let this be you. Don’t lose a friendship or a relationship. 

Use it With Your Kids, And Use it Yourself

Forgiveness is really not that hard. It’s really not complicated. Using the checklist keeps us personally in check and it keeps our families in check. I use this with my kids when they’re arguing with each other, but I also use this when I have a disagreement with one of my kids. I find something that I can apologize for. I’m not above apologizing and asking for forgiveness. As the parent, you’re not above apologies. 

“I’m sorry that I timed this discussion at a bad time (I’ve used that one a lot).” 

“I’m sorry that I raised my voice with you.” 

“I’m sorry that I lost my temper.”

“I’m sorry I posted your picture on Instagram without asking. It was wrong because it’s your face not mine. In the future I will ask you before I post your picture on Instagram. Will you please forgive me?” 

The best way to teach something is by example, so if you’re thinking that you want to implement this in your life, start by using it yourself. Write this down and refer to it when needed: “I’m sorry for…., It was wrong because…, In the future I will…, Will you please forgive me?” I invite you to do this. I invite you to try it. Write it down. Use it. See how much improved your lives can be as you use the forgiveness checklist to apologize and ask for forgiveness.